What if I told you that there was no good or bad people, only people.

I have been struggling with this concept the last little while. I have been on an endless healing journey since I was a kid where I keep striving to be better. I had it engrained in me that because I went through a lot of hardship at a young age, that it made me a bad person. Subsequently I have spent a large majority of my adulthood trying not to be a bad person.

I also realized that if I feel this way, that probably means a lot of people feel this way as well (because truly we have no original thoughts). This thinking is really detrimental to your mental well-being and affects how well-adjusted you become as an adult. So in this article I want to tell you that you're not a bad person and ways in which you can change this narrative or change the aspects of yourself you may not like.

Here are some simple steps to help you get started.

There are no bad people

If you had a childhood similar to mine you may have had parents or teachers or other parental figures who made you feel terrible when you made mistakes as a kid. Maybe they would tell your siblings not to talk to you or tell you that would never amount to much because you were a bad person. I am here to tell you that firstly you're not alone and secondly that you're not a bad person.

There is truly no such thing as a good or bad person, there are just people who do good or bad things. Morality and ethics are very nuanced but if you spend a good amount of time trying to be a good person, you're further along than most people. To make morality simple let's say that good things help people, and bad things hurt people. So instead of worrying about being a bad person just be more cautious of how your actions affect other people.

"Bad people don't waste time thinking about being better."

Baby Steps

You cannot change the past. Maybe you did some unethical things, maybe you hurt a friend or someone you cared about before. Maybe you went through a lot of hardship and it made it difficult to not lash out when people got close to you. Whatever the case is, there is a simple solution that requires a couple of steps.

Apologies

Firstly, taking some time to reflect on the ways you contributed to this experience so that you are able to genuinely apologize. This is the hardest step for most people because there is a large chance that they may not forgive you or reply to this apology but that doesn't negate the importance of apologizing.

Forgive Yourself

Secondly, you have to forgive yourself. You can't spend the rest of your life thinking "well this happened to me so that's why I can't better myself and live the life I want." I am not saying to forget the past but you shouldn't let it hold you back. I spent a long time thinking of ways that I hurt other people or situations where someone hurt me and I let it replay a hundred times over ruining my head space and usually my day. This is a very unhealthy and unproductive thing to do. You need to process those emotions, feel them but don't become them. Imagine you're an outsider looking at the problem with no personal attachment, this usually helps me.

Moving Forward

Lastly, you need to move forward. Continue learning, continue growing and that's all you can really do. No one can use the past version of you against you, unless you allow them to. You're allowed to change and grow and forgive yourself so that you're able to become the person you want to be.

You are worthy

I mentioned before that a simple explanation of being good would consist of helping other people. This can be a really good thing or a really bad thing depending on how you look at it. So I want to clarify what I mean by this. You aren't only good if you're helping other people while neglecting yourself. We often think that our value as a person is tied to how we are helping others actively but you need to remember that you simply existing has value.

Staying alive and being here for your friends and family brings value to their lives. You are an integral part of people's lives even if you think are all alone and no one in your life cares if you're around. I promise you at least one other people cares.

Community is everywhere

I remember when I was younger I learned something very interesting from social studies class. We were going over the difference in justice systems between the West and Indigenous peoples. Something really interesting was how when a member of the community did something hurtful to other people instead of throwing them in jail or isolating them from the community they would help rehabilitate that person back into society.

I wish we followed a similar system in Western culture. Trends of cancel culture and selectively hating figures for mistakes doesn't allow those people to grow or change which is really all we should be doing as a community.

All I have to say about this is that if there is a place you don't feel like you belong anymore, there are thousands of other spaces that you will. Community is everywhere, you can always start over. If you're in a community of friends or family that you feel make you feel worse or act worse, you can leave. Surround yourself with loving people who want to see you thrive, that support you to be better, not worse.

I hope this article helped in some way, even as a stepping stone to discover more.

Love,

Simran